Sandringham, Norfolk - (House of Windsor Bollox Mess): A gut-wrenching dread is enveloping the Sandringham estate this weekend ahead of the Yuletide gathering of Puppet Monarchy impostors eagerly awaiting to get their hoary snouts into the annual squatters' rights Xmas dinner trough.
The sense of foreboding started on Friday with reports that bankrupt American actress Koo Stark-Raving Bonkers has signed a $5 million deal admitting desperate royal wannabe Kate Middleton is her daughter by Prince Charles.
Koo, 69, famously shagged Charles before starting on 'Prince Andrew' - the royal doppelganger scrounger whose real father is Max 'Nazi S&M' Mosley.
The has-been actress and sometime photographer was declared bankrupt earlier this year until the $5 million golden opportunity presented itself.
She is now releasing official DNA swabs, maternity pics and numbered offshore bank accounts which eased baby Kate's assimilation into the Middleton family.
Meanwhile the feckless upstart who has made such a lucrative career for himself impersonating Prince William is about to be outed as the bastard son of UK Prime Monster Gorgon Brown.
Camilla is sick as a parrot.