ITV last night stole a march on their rivals by showing the Queen's Christmas speech early.
The speech, which was recorded in a tent in Hyde Park to save on Royal fuel bills, is thought to have attracted at least four extra viewers, but will be repeated tonight and is expected to bring the entire nation to a halt.
Lizzie departed from tradition and produced a very different speech, the full text of which is shown below.
"Loyal subjects, illegal immigrants, and terrorist suspects (Phil told me to say that. giggle) It's been a tough year, I'm not going to kid you or nothing. Even my corgis have had to cut down on caviare, and their neck warming collars have to be turned orf at night to save the batteries. Blooming Icelandic banks. But this is what one gets with unelected leaders you see. When Tony Bush-Blair resigned to become a catholic, I should have made Brown call an election, then that nice David Cameron would have WON!!! I fancy him. hic. He can lead my government anytime.
"I have had to redund two servants. How bad is that? So I understand how you feel losing your homes, your businesses and all the jazz. I've lost a clothes unfolder and a drinks cabinet guardian. AND they made me film this speech in a stinking tent with plebs walking past with their lower class dogs, to give the impression of austerity. I'm sure I saw that Roy Keane bloke. No wonder I demolished the xxxx.
"Sod world peace and understanding. Long live my tea taster and milk sniffer."
A Buckingham Palace spokesperson told reporters to "fuck off" after the ITV showing.