Chief Inspector Rigby Ratstamper, commander of Liverpool North's Plod Squad, told the media "Guns are the weapon of choice for the teenage gangs of Europe's Capital of Culture 2008."
"Of course if the little scrotes can't afford a gun then any old weapon will do: claw hammers, bread knives or a balk of 4 x 2, with a six inch nail driven through one end."
"But our upper-end teenage villains, with mobs of drug money to spend, are now better equipped that the British army troops deployed in active conflict zones like Iraq and Afghanistan."
"Kevlar vests, night vision gear, sniper's rifles, anti-personnel mines and the odd tactical nuclear device, I might add. These young yobs have the lot and like to play rough. We just stand back and let them get on with it. Kill each other off, sort of thing."
CCTV footage of boys, hardly out of childhood, wielding revolvers, shotguns and shoulder-held ballistic missiles while jumping on police cars, was posted on YouTube last weekend after a minor tiff broke out along the Croxteth--Norris Green demarcation truce border over two chav gang members, Sheldon and Seymour Scrunt, having a quick grope at Titsy O'Gammer, the Croxteth Crew's chief bitchlet, and calling her 'a cunt in cunt's clothing'.
This developed during the Saturday night into a mile long battlefront, with howitzers and tanks being deployed by the Croxteth Crew. The Norris Green Knobhead gang responded in like fashion, sending in their Apache helicopter gunships and laying waste to Craven Wood and scores of chew and spew fast food outlets bordering Smegmadale Lane, in repeated napalm strikes.
The Croxteth Crew retaliated by targeting the Norris Green Rentaslum Housing Estate, decimating two square miles in a radioactive fireball when a 155mm tactical nuclear artillery shell was lobbed in by mistake during howitzer barrage.
Early reports estimate over thirty thousand dead and £25 worth of damage to property.
Scouseland gang members are traditionally recruited from an early age. One nine-year-old ranga chavette who can't be named for legal reasons, (Feral Beryl McSlag) was recently arrested for carrying a locked and loaded Ingram MAC 10 machine pistol and a M56 fragmentation grenade in her Hello Kitty school satchel. "I just wanted ter scare the shit outa me teacher if she gives me any crap over not doin' me homework," was the juvenile reply. Bless.
C.I. Ratstamper, commander of Liverpool North's Plod Squad said: "Many gang members are the third generation of families who have never worked and were born into a sleazy scrounging lifestyle, whose entire incomes are derived from DSS, jobseekers allowance and criminal activities."
Dr. Candida Twatscratcher, professor of Sociology at the University of Liverpool, explained to the media "Crime is all they know and so have no recognition of normality to be rehabilitated back into."
"Around their teen years they get mental diarrhoea and lose the moral aspirations that can change their lives for the better by legal means, hence resort to a life of crime, for which you can't really blame them considering the wages of sin are tax-free."
"Hence their instinct, behaviour and moral compass is far off what we describe as normal. I believe the best we can do is replace the huge European Culture Capital 2008 signs on every road leading into Liverpool with the slogan - Beware: Here be Psychopaths!"