Today, after centuries of unhappiness at Scotland's miserable weather and lifestyle, the country was officially sacked by the Scots. In a scene that could easily have come out of 'Fawlty Towers', millions of people turned out into the streets at the news, and grabbed sticks off trees and neighbours' fences.
'Right!', they shouted, 'time and time again we've laid it on the line for you! We've told you to stop raining and sleeting 11 months of the year, we've told you to make things less depressing and more fun, and we've told you to give us long hot summers and decent food and sunlight for more than 6 hours a day in December. Now we're going to give you a damn' good thrashing!', and with that millions began attacking the ground with sticks and stones, while others cheered them on.
One Scot, Miss Fiona McAlpine, said: 'At last! Now we can give ourselves heart disease eating deep-fried cakes and smoking counterfeit ciggies, all in tropical heat while sipping vodka and Irn Bru cocktails.' And another passing shoplifter, Rab C Nesbitt, added: 'See Scawtland, by the way, it isnae fit fer a dog tae live in - noo ra party gets started, ya bams! Seize us a half and a half for mah grannie, will ya?'
Scotland has been seen as one of the most depressing places in the world to live in, and Scots themselves make Russians and Norwegians seem like a laugh a minute, but the sacking may change such attitudes - mebbe, mebbe no'. Scottish weather forecasts will, however, remain as ghastly as ever.