In the city of Dundee, in the heart of Central Scotland - a country that is generally seen as one of the most dangerous and violent parts of the planet - local bus drivers today made a complaint about shocking abuse directed towards them. But not from the more probable suspects, such as knife-wielding drunken teenagers or heroin addicts trying to skip the fares - but from elderly grandmothers.
'It's true', director of Travel Dundee Lawrence Scaredy said, and burst into tears for a minute before looking at a photo of his mother. 'We've put up with football fans from Glasgow, and from suicide bombers from Glasgow Airport - ones that that never hurt anyone - but the Dundee grannies are just too much! I'm applying for sick leave, due to post-traumatic getting-sarcastic-jibes-from-80-year-old-women disorder. Don't touch me!', he suddenly yelled, as this reporter coughed quietly and fidgeted with his pen.
This is not the first time that Dundee - the City of Never Discovering Anything Except Emigration - has produced men that aren't exactly up to the Scottish Braveheart model, indeed its entire history has made it more or less an embarrassment to the rest of what is technically known as Chilly Jocko Land, as Scottish footballing legend Jimmy McGreavesie called it. A passing grannie had this to say about the bus drivers: 'You can take our lives!', Mrs. Senga O'Hennessey yelled, 'but you can never take our - free OAP bus passes!'
Another jam sandwich, Wullie?