QUANTICOCO - UPDATE1 FBI agents are raiding schools around the country, roping off the areas around schools for 2000 feet with yellow crime scene tape. Chemists have confirmed the presence of dihydrogen monoxide aspartame solutions concealed in students' backpacks.
Aspartame is approved by the FDA for the terminal, the dead, the homeless hobo, and the young, but when combined with dihydrogen monoxide, the dangers are multiplied.
Teachers called authorities when they noticed that students were having a difficult time staying awake in Algebra I classes. They noted that the students were acting strangely, and gaining a lot of weight, eating a lot of junk food, and failing exams.
Then the glass bottles with dihydrogen monoxide aspartame solution started showing up. Cleverly disguised as "drinks" these bottles of dangerous solution have become rampant at schools around the country. Exposure to this dangerous solution is thought to be responsible for a decrease in teen pregnancy and SAT scores. SAT tests are being re calibrated for idiots now.
The United States Government apologizes for raiding British soil, but due to the extreme danger we found it necessary. We do wish our FDA had done its job on this one.