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Friday, 12 December 2008

image for No More Effin' & Jeffin'
Mexican Pavement Pizza. "Wot, no carrots?"

A 'swearing in public' ban has been introduced by Smegmadale Borough Council in the run-up to Christmas, which councillors say will be maintained into the New Year to try and eliminate the town's reputation as Asbo Central.

The effin' and jeffin' regulation has been imposed by the council in an effort to reduce anti-social behaviour by the town's resident drunks and yobs over the Christmas period.

Flyers have been put up in the city centre's Rub & Tug massage parlours, opium dens and chew and spew takeaways. Stickers will be used on beer mats in pubs and clubs also.

Smegmadale Mayor Bernard Clot, millionaire entrepreneur owner of Clots-R-Us and community support agency RentaClot, told the media "We might not hold the prestigious European Capital of Culture status of neighbouring Liverpool but we can definitely do our bit to clean the town up over the Christmas holidays."

The town centre has now been liberally plastered with posters declaring such slogans as 'No Aggro-or Else!','Keep yer Drunken Gob Shut!', 'Pissing in Doorways Prohibited!' and a 'No Spewing Here!' with technicolour renderings of a drunken chavette vomiting in the street with the header caption 'Pavement Pizzas Banned'.

Offenders caught effing and blinding, taking drugs, doggying in doorways, shitting in public waste bins, pissing through shop letterboxes or sticking knives into community support officers could be handed an on-the-spot fine of £80.

Norman Springbok, spokesprat for the freedom and civil liberties campaign group Expletives-R-Us, told reporters "They can't do this. It's every Englishman's right to go out and get pissed-rotten drunk at Christmas, then stand in the middle of the street takin' a slash and gobbin' off at passers-by. It's all part of our traditional Yuletide festivities."

Last week huge 'Respect Smegmadale' banners were displayed on the sides of buses, as part of the council's campaign, which resulted in a troop of Banksie wannabe's giving them a grafitti once-over with the slogan 'Fuck Smegmadale'

In 2005 the local housing authority tried to impose a ban on swearing at the Skidrow council estate which resulted in the crucifixion of four RentaClot community support officers and the housing authority's office being torched.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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