Written by Skoob1999
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Topics: Shopping, bread

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

image for Serial Bread Squeezer Gets Life Ban
Loaf Squeezers Not Welcome Here

In a landmark test case ruling, Worcester magistrates imposed a lifetime Supermarket ban on Worcester woman Carol Ann Jones because she insisted on squeezing every loaf of bread on display in order to 'test it for freshness.'

Supermarket giants combined forces in a bid to have Jones banned for life from supermarkets everywhere.

Prosecutor, Aldo Herbacious-Border claimed that Jones's behaviour obstructed supermarket aisles preventing ordinary shoppers from moving freely around stores.

'It's not just that,' Herbacious-Border added. 'Other customers often find that loaves have been squeezed so severely that they're all out of shape. Nobody should have to eat food that has been tampered with. It's a morality issue.'

Magistrate Joan Warburton said off the record:

'We considered a lifetime ban to be appropriate.'

Court Recorder Harold Hovis agreed with a nod of the head and a stern expression.

A clearly distraught Jones said of the order:

'How can they do this to me? I don't smoke, I don't drink, shopping means everything to me. It's my passion. And I have a right to test bread for freshness before purchase. And even if I don't have that right, I should have.'

Jones's husband Ian, sat throughout the hearing staring icily at his spouse as proceedings proceeded. Outside the court he told us:

'It's a fair decision. She's been asking for this for years really. Going shopping with her's a nightmare. One trip to Tesco lasted seven hours because of the bread squeezing and her compulsive need to examine every product on the shelves despite that she had no intentions of actually buying most of them.'

At which point an angry Jones hauled her husband away by the scruff of the neck, saying:

'Get home you. Now.'

Mr Jones meekly complied and was hauled away.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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