Written by David Swinstead
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Topics: Candy

Monday, 14 January 2002

image for Smarties sizing shocker

In what is continuing to become one of the most shocking and disturbing occurrences of the new millennium so far, refuse disposal technician and sci-fi writer Dan Collins (28) discovered that not all smarties, are the same size, in fact yellow smarties are, on average, 15' bigger than the average smartie.

The stark realisation came to the somewhat bewildered Collins around 3:15 Am, last Tuesday, over tea and biscuits with neighbours.

"I was just eating some smarties, just like everybody else does" Claims Collins. "I poured some out of the tube into my hand, and I got two yellow ones, a green one and a blue one. Looking at them it hit me, the two yellow one's were both bigger than the other two. I was totally shocked, and I just kinda stared at them for ages thinking "this is unreal man." I
till find it hard to believe. "

"It's true, they really are bigger" Said witness to the discovery, Mrs. Smith from number 39 "I mean I was as shocked as any person would be; since my first tube as a child I've thought every colour smartie to be the same size, and suddenly it's like my whole life is a lie, I don't know what to believe at all anymore."

No spokesperson was available for comment, but the following statement has been released to all major newspapers and broadcast news corporations: "We have become aware of allegations against it's sizing of certain products. Rest assured that we are thoroughly investigating these accusations, and will take appropriate action based on our findings."

Experts on the matter have already spoken out on the subject, and Dr. James Hartman has been quoted as saying he finds the discovery unbelievable in the following statement he released today: "I find the discovery unbelievable."

M 'n' Ms 'Yellow' and 'Red', as seen on the television advert campaign, are said to be rethinking their proposed move to the rival company from current employers Mars. This scandal has even reached the ranks of the Mars company, some have questioned the sizing of the two M 'n' M icons, as Yellow is clearly much bigger than counterpart Red, and some people are already screaming of conspiracy theories.

In the meantime, until investigations are completed, every tube of smarties in the country has been recalled, and deliveries to shops will cease. We await further news.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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