All Northern Irish accents were recalled today by the Irish government, after a massive terrorist plot was uncovered involving pigs, terrorists, and iffy elocution.
According to the Irish Cultural Minister, Paddy O'Fernisher, the plot involved the British community of Northern Ireland, or the 'monstrously evil Proddie mass-murdering fascist madmen from the North', as he correctly called them.
Unbiased spokesleprechaun Gerry 'I Refuse To Accept Being British, Even Though I'm British' Adams said: 'This is topical, topical of the British reprossion of orr community. Ovver sunce the potato fommin of 1233 BC, we -' but was interrupted by a passing Reverend, the Right Reverend Sir Adolf Paisley, who said: 'Thurr will be no sorronder of orr occents! Ond no Pope. Ond no onnything that soinds like Onglish! Do you agree, Gorry?' 'Oi.' But token softly-spoken Ulsterman Eamonn Holmes disgreed. 'There is nothing wrong with the accent of Northern Ireland. And I'm not a grotesquely fat, patronising git, that is offensively overpaid for no reason at all. Oh look, there's a flock of diseased pigs flying past the GMTV window - oops, I'm looking in a mirror.'
For 300 years the Northern Irish accent has terrorised the English-speaking world, and on a clear day you can hear it from South-West Argyll in Scotland, but many were now calling for an outright ban on it, including Prime Minister Gordon Brown. Speaking from his playhouse in Fauntelroy-Super-Unleadedpishtalkin - in England - he said: 'OK yah, chaps. What what? Tally-ho, toodle-pip, jolly good show, pass me another cucumber sandwich, frightfully decent of you. Accents? There are no accents now in Britain, we're all Old Etonians now, overnight ones in my case. Anyone for real tennis?'
But in a sinister footnote, the largely-bigoted Real Northern Irish Accented Army today took over BBC News for 24 hours today, and its 'volunteers', drawn largely from the butchers' and pigfarming communities of the Six Counties, issued the following statement: 'Thorr is no chonce of oss lornin Onglish, so aither shot op or it's a wee vuzzut frum the boys with the boloclovas!'
Martin McGuiness was unavailable for comment - thonkfully.