London - (Royal Ass Mess): Toxic behavior by the lard-arsed Duchess of Pork's Provisional IRA pals may be behind the Queen sickening according to Palace medical sources.
HM the Puppet Monarch was quarantined on Saturday night after a rasher (sic) appeared on her face, triggering fears it might be symptomatic of the highly contagious porcine parvovirus.
Buckingham Palace pathologist Prof V Grim-Reaper examined Old Fatty Von Battenburg amid fears that an abnormally high temperature, skin lesions, convulsions and delusions of Monarchy were all classic indicators of the Third Reichian Schweinepest, or hog cholera, sometimes called pig plague.
He has recommended a five mile exclusion zone around the old throne-hog and a firm of immune undertakers on emergency 24 hour call-out.
Camilla is stark raving bonkers.