Written by Monkey Woods
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Topics: Karen Mathews

Thursday, 4 December 2008

image for Karen Matthews Post-Trial Interview
'As anyone sin Shannon? 'Av y' got a light?

Karen Matthews, the 'mother' of Little Shannon Matthews, has spoken to reporters after being found guilty of kidnap, false imprisonment and perverting the course of justice. She will be sentenced soon.

Shannon, who was kidnapped by Michael 'Dimwit' Donovan, a 'friend' of the 'family', was drugged and kept under a bed for 24 days whilst her kidnappers waited for the ransom money to rise above the amount of a lifetime's dole money.

Eventually, police acting on a tip-off from Donovan's neighbour, raided his run-down flat, and discovered Shannon, and the whole stupid plan was uncovered.

Speaking after the guilty verdict today, Karen Matthews told journalists:

"I dint do owt, 'onest".

One reporter asked her how she felt, knowing that she was about to be sentenced to to prison "for a very long time".

Matthews replied:

"Dunno. Does it mean I dote 'ave t' sign on next week?"

Other members of the world's media wanted to know how on Earth she could have dreamed up such a fantastically callous scheme.

She said:

"Will I still get me Family Allowance and me rent paid?"

The woman with crescents tattooed under both eyelids was then gently bundled into an unmarked van, and given a good, old-fashioned kicking by Her Majesty's finest, and will, hopefully, be able to look forward to a similar welcome when she arrives at the jail of the judge's choice in the very near future.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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