Today an entire new town made up of Starbucks shops opened in Hampshire. The town - cleverly named St. Arbucks - stands on the rivers Dye and Yewretick, and is simply street after street of the coffee shops.
Local branch(es) manager, Maxwell House, said: 'It's not just shops, though, the shop workers have flats above them to stay in. So now all day long people can sit in Starbucks and talk about coffee, and read books over coffee, and catch up on their university notes over coffee. And later they can talk about buns - you know, those ghastly, soggy sticky things with raisins and icing, that look like coiled snakes - and read books over buns, and catch up on their uni notes over buns. St. Arbucks will become the frappucino-drinking person's Blackpool, and the non-religious, Freetrade, organic, non-GM pecan and vanilla tartlet-eating person's Mecca.'
However, the new town wasn't everyone's cup of imported workers' co-operative-produced recycled-packaged tea, and one visitor to St. Arbucks, a Mr. Tetley T. Bagg, said: 'Nah then, t'aint proper town wi'out lots o' charity shops. 'hoever 'eard of town wi' no bloody British 'eart Foundation or Oxfam shops? I tell thee, it's a reet slippery slope this foreign coffee muck, nowt wrong wi' a chip butty and a good strong cuppa tea. Ah thought cappucino played left-back for Inter Milan til ah came 'ere.'
But housewife Elspeth Caffyn O'Dee disagreed. 'Well, I think it's good for Hampshire, the new town will give us a bit of class and culture. Whenever I go to central London I love the fact that every street has a Starbucks, a Greggs, a Threshers, and a drunken Scot lying on the pavement, usually outside the Threshers. St. Arbucks will have all these delights, but without the Greggs, the Threshers and the drunken Scot, and especially without the drunken Scot, so I for one will be buying a house there.'
Houses come with their own kettle and a year's supply of over-processed, bland coffee beans, plus a box of sachets of poisonous white chemical fluids, with 'Milkish Substitute:Produced in Ukraine' on them. Housebuyers will also get a free copy of 'Making Soggy Sticky Sickly Cakes With The Maximum Of Cinnamon In Them', plus 'How To Speak Pidgin English Behind The Counter In One Easy Lesson.' Frappucino latte with extra Swiss powdered chocolate on the top, anyone? That'll be £3-95, please.