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Topics: Christmas, rip-off

Tuesday, 2 December 2008

image for Lapland Park Scam a Huge Rip-off
A Family of Morons Visit Smegmadale's Lapland Park

A newly-opened 'Winter Wonderland' theme park has been described as a 'joke' and a 'scam' by thousands of angry visitors.

Many people have demanded a refund of the £25 they paid to enter the Smegmadale Forest Lapland Leisure Park on the Hampshire-Dorset border over the weekend. Several visitors complained saying the standard is extremely poor and bears no resemblance to the glossy Arctic Forest marketing photos rumoured to have been plagiarised from National Geographic's 'Banff Winter Vacation' feature.

Mrs. Chantelle McScat, a fifteen year-old mother of three, had a far stronger opinion for the media. "It's a total bag of shit an' a fuckin' rip-off. Me an' me bloke an' the kids only came 'ere cos we got free passes from the DSS. Not a flake of bleedin' snow anywhere, it just pissed down wiv rain. Santa's Grotto woz in a poxy shed and the dirty old git dressed up as Santa woz pissed as a rat on cider an' tryin' ter get me ter sit on 'is knee so 'e could 'ave a grope. Effin' pedo' perv'."

Lapland Park manager, Louis Scamrat, told reporters: "I don't believe we're guilty of deceit or ripping anyone off. This is what Lapland and Santa's Grotto look like right now with this global warming thing: all mud and slush. That's why the Great Glacier Ice Rink went tits up and the penguins came down with heat exhaustion."

The park's website, which became unavailable on Monday afternoon, had shown pictures of snowy scenes and icicles, and promised real log cabins, a nativity scene, husky dogs, penguins, polar bears, reindeer and a rare breed of Arctic camel, as well as a 'bustling' Christmas market and a genuine Eskimo choir singing traditional carols.

The website proclaimed: "We can assure you of an absolutely magical scene: just look how real and cold the 'snow' appears to be."

But visitors said what they experienced was 'disorganised chaos on a Biblical scale'.

Glenda Twatrot, a homeopathic cat stroker, of Blandford, Dorset, told the BBC she had worked part time in a local brothel for a fortnight to buy tickets for her family as a Christmas treat.

"The place was "a complete misrepresentation, leaving my children totally pissed-off and psychologically traumatised. The Eskimo choir turned out to be a troop of Chinese illegal immigrants singing 'Good King Wenceslas' in Mandarin. I intend to sue the arse off the management," she complained.

"The park's website advertisement led you to believe that this is a snow-covered Lapland village with Hollywood special effects and a bustling Christmas market with an ice rink. The snow was just gooey mud painted with white emulsion and the log cabins a collection of old garden sheds."

Many others complained that, once inside the park, they had to pay more to use attractions such as Santa's Merry Mud Skiing Slope, the Twat-a-Dwarf Coconut Shy and the park's appalling shit-splattered toilets. The theme park's purported 'bustling' Xmas market turned out to be a miserable car boot sale run not by Santa's Little Helpers but Chechnyan pikeys dealing in smuggled rolling tobacco, pirate DVD's and teenage Albanian sex slaves clad in tinsel bikinis.

The Winter Wonderland's zoo came in for a caning also. RSPCA Inspector Gilbert Ferret informed the press "Santa's reindeer are all heifers with plastic antlers nailed to their heads. The huskies are ex-Securicor Alsatian dogs that had been bleached and blow-waved. Several of the penguins died of boredom during my visit and who's ever heard of an Arctic camel?"

Barry Fleecem, manager of Codology Advertising, the park's marketing agent, told reporters he was "bemused" by the visitors' complaints.

"I mean, what do the public use for brains? Who in their right mind is actually going to go to Lapland for a pleasant day out. It's freezing cold. Any bugger with common sense takes off for a few days in the Med' at this time of year and doesn't go traipsing around Smegmadale Forest."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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