Written by Rusty
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Monday, 1 December 2008

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PC Gormless Gives MP Greengauge's Scrotum a Workout

The inquiry into alleged leaks of Home Office documents which led to Tory MP for East Smegmadale, Darlston Greengauge, being arrested is "continuing", a Scotland Yard snitch told the BBC in exchange for tickets to this year's Strictly Come Dancing finals.

The source said the investigation was "moving on quite quickly" after Mr. Greengauge was subjected to a nine hour waterboarding session, had several fingernails pulled out and promptly grassed up his Home Office accomplices.

Rumours that Home Secretary Jacqui 'Stabvest' Smith has also been arrested and flown to an extreme rendition facility in Scunthorpe for questioning have been scotched by Downing Street as "absolute crap".

Senior Tories are furious that police had Mr Greengauge, the shadow immigration minister, hanging up by his scrotum overnight to 'loosen him up'.

When police questioned the MP, they are said to have suggested to him that he had not simply received leaked information but 'groomed' a thirteen year old female civil servant, Gillian McGroper, (a mother of three who can't be named for legal reasons) who had allegedly passed him shitloads of confidential top secret documents relating to the 'price of fish' scandal.

Baroness Petula Mandleson, personal spokeslag for Prime Minister Gordon Brown, told the media Greengauge's arrest had raised "difficult and sensitive issues" concerning the nature of the leaked documents and the fact that revelation of their contents might well portend the Apocalypse for New Labour if published in the gutter press.

Ms. Mandleson, posing for photographers outside Number 10 in a cream knitted two-piece and pearls, further stated she would judge the 'full facts' before deciding whether the entire issue should have a D-Notice slapped on it and get a coat of whitewash.

BBC political editor Nick Dorkinson reported Conservative frontbenchers had taken legal advice on the difference between merely 'receiving a leak', 'inducing leakers to leak' and 'taking a leak', and had a practical hands-on leak demonstration using a Parliamentary colander.

A tired and visibly emotional Justice Secretary, Jack Straw, met with Daily Sport reporter Bruno van der Snot in the House of Commons' Pickled Cormorant Bar and related "I haven't got a fucking clue what's going on. Nobody tells me anything. Mushroom syndrome : kept in the dark and fed shit. It was never like this when my mate Tony was in charge"

"However, for the record, we don't have a police state here, despite many of the ridiculous newspaper headlines. A police state would be where a Tory shadow minister might be arrested on suspicion of possessing an unlicensed wind turbine and hung up by his bollocks overnight."

Political analyst Norman Bilharzia, Doctor of Pratology at the Tavistock Institute, opined that the sooner the BNP took over the reins of government in the UK and established a fascist police state, then these disturbing stories would disappear from the front pages of the daily press, along with the daily press. "The public should be concentrating on working without distractions and paying their taxes. The X-Factor and Big Brother are confusing enough for the British sheeple as it is."

Brenda Twatrot, spokesbag for the independent government watchdog Expose, told the media "Bleedin' typical of the effin' plods, innit eh, 'angin' the bloke up by 'is goolies like that. I means, yer know, did the gits 'ave informed consent ter string 'im up by the balls. Shite, that's gotta 'urt like fuck, anit, eh?"

"But I said this before, when the only bleedin' tool yer got is an 'effin 'ammer then every problem starts ter look like a bleedin' nail, dunnit eh. The sooner we gets a Polish Prime Minister in 'ere, the better."

Greengauge, a former walrus shearer, filed a complaint with the Parliamentary Ethics Committee last June over MI6 tapping his phone after he had been named as the whistleblower in the government's controversial "Firewood" and "Old Rope" scandals, and is renown in political circles as a 'disruptive shit-stirring cunt', whose snarling and aggressive manner is reportedly aggravated by a chronic ingrowing foreskin complaint.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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