London - (Ex Fucked Her Mess): London's Serious & Disorganised Crime Agency cops are cock-a-hoop at orders to completely exonerate Britney Spears and X-Factor judge Simon Cowell over fraudulent 'massive extortion charges'.
"The US singer has never been lured to perform in Cowell's daftass UK TV talent (sic) show this weekend," a statement said.
"After a totally random and spurious five year probe into allegations of theft, embezzlement and related copyright scams she has come up smelling of roses."
Cops have also called Cowell 'a class act' after discovering he's never been a fugitive from justice in five incontinents nor ever implicated implicated in financing the 9/11 WTF outrage.
"Cowell? An unofficial national treasure," Serious & Disorganised Crime Agency sources commented today.
Other reports that Madonna was used by UK spooks in a honeytrap that exposed Spears' terrorist ex-squeeze Adnan Ghalib have also been branded 'utter tosh'.
Earlier this year California's LAFagHagSlagMag claimed that Ghalib was wanted on nuclear arms smuggling charges and running the EU-branch of ex-New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's Holy Roman Emperor VIP Brothel.
The magazine has now printed a full retraction.
Paris Hilton is George W Bush's daughter by Sarah, Duchess of York.