6'5' "Jells" Clarkson hinted recently that he "might go all the way - you know, chop off the old todger, mount it on a plinth, award it annually in a 'prick of the year' ceremony. 'His Tonyness' springs to attention for the first one", he went on, warming to the theme.
Rumours have been rife for some time about "the change" in our Jezza. "The defining moment was when he met 6'2" Jodie Kidd on Top Gear, after that he just wanted to BE Jodie", confided close friend and confidante Graham Norton, "he realised, he could be both tall, feminine and a petrolhead".
"Hamster" Hammond whose TV career has exploded since he shot to fame in a circus cannon act, is understood to be "sympathetic" to the change in "Jells". In his recent autobiog. he revealed that "he has always been a big emotional softy off camera, never far from his old "bagpuss" comforter and quick to blub when things go wrong". James "Captain Slow" May, was so circumspect that our man lost the will to live and could not remember a word James said.
"The Stig" without provocation, spat fire at our intrepid reporter, causing third degree burns to our man's nether regions as his incontinence pants melted and became welded to his body.
A close friend let slip that "Jells" had spent 5 days in October in the company of a 6'8" Ex-Argentiian paratrooper, who following "the chop" is now enjoying a new lease of life as a Barcelona night club dancer. This "dry run" had further convinced "Jezzy" to pursue the "Todgerless" lifestyle.
Programme directors from "Top Gear" are understood to be "sanguine" about the news, as one of them said "Off the record, it could well increase the appeal of the show". As an afterthoughr he added, "We could award 'THE TODGER' to the fastest Prick In a Reasonably Priced Car"