Following the tragic death of a Maldon pensioner in a freak incontinence pants conflagration, the gov't today acted with new regulations effective immediately.
Under the: Pants Incontinence Safety, Security Order Fire/Frost provisions of the 2008 Act, manufacturers must henceforth fit all pants with both a fire alarm and frost protection system.
The alarm will serve two purposes, firstly it will summon assistance for those in flames, and bladder willing the alarm will be loud enough to cause the victim to wet themselves thus extinguishing the flames themselves.
The added frost protection will obviate the need for the pants to be chipped off the wearer in cold weather.
Hula Hoops packs are also to be modified following their contributory part in the tragedy.