Written by David Swinstead
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Monday, 14 January 2002

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A Victim of Phone-Induced Brain Damage?

In a recent survey conducted by the UK mobile phone authority it has been revealed that mobile phones can, when thrown hard enough, inflict serious brain damage.

The survey was carried out on 1000 people from all over the country who volunteered in response to local newspaper advertisements. The heavier of the phones seemed to inflict up to 25 times more damage.

While most of the cell phone manufacturers remained silent over the matter, a spokesperson from one company issued the following statement to press: "We have examined the results of the survey in question, and are aware that the model tested certainly has the potential to inflict harm if used in this manner. We will be taking several steps to insure the safety of our customers, first and foremost the introduction of safety warning stickers on boxes of all our products, to read: Warning, do not throw at heads or other body parts."

We tried to get hold of one of the volunteer testers for an interview, but unfortunately all were seemingly unavailable, as every call to one of the testers' homes was answered by similar, rather distressing messages, such as this one, from a Mr. P. Bradford: Ring ring ring ring ring please leave a message after the OUCH don't throw it again sir please don't why must you keep doing that sir ring ring ring ring ring please make it stop sir it hurts? OUCH." We can only presume nothing is to blame but coincidence.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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