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Wednesday, 26 November 2008

image for Punctuation to be scrapped 'cause no one has a bloody clue how to use it any more
There - their? Whatever! Who cares!

The apostrophe is to be scrapped and all punctuation in fact after a survey showed that the entire country had no bloody clue how to use it (or even gave a shit).

The decision comes after a survey found last week that Britons would rather watch Strictly Come Dancing than be arsed to know the difference between its and it's.

The move should save the remaining few who still use punctuation correctly, and care, from having panic attacks because of the reckless usage of twits around them.

Particularly in these times of financial woe, signs like "Prudential - were here to help you" really weren't helpful. In fact they were scary.

The Government passed the Punctuation Sux Act 2008 before Prudential had time to clarify that it actually meant we're.

Previously, Ministers had tried a zero tolerance approach to punctuation by distributing free copies of Eats, Shoots & Leaves. But people used the book about as much as the semi-colon; most just sold it on eBay then wiled away their time on Facebook.

The new legislation isn't expected to have much of an impact on the way English is taught in schools. An English teacher, Mrs Laura Wards, said in an email to the Spoof, "Teaching punctuation and grammar died in the 70s The decision has reinforced to English teachers that all we need worry about is perching our half-moon glasses on the tips of our noses and flicking our pashminas with just the right artistic flair"

Writers too will have way more time to kick about. A student in creative writing, Gertrude Thepont, 19, sent a text to the Spoof, "I save hourz by not uzin all that stuff in my esayz its gr8 cuz now I can watch tv instead LOL xxxx"

Greengrocers also breathed a sigh of relief, safe in the knowledge that they'll never again be slammed for selling apple's, orange's and pear's. Mr A P Phil of the Greengrocer's Association said, "Some customers would tell us that we were using the apostrophe wrongly I say the damn thing was almost as confusing as our measuring system Were glad we finally got the upper hand"

But not everyone's happy. Author of the zero tolerance approach to punctuation bible, Lynn Truss, will miss out on royalties from sales of books to students who never got round to reading it anyway.

In time, it's hoped that reading will be scrapped altogether thereby avoiding all this stupid confusion in the first place.

Spelling is thought to be the next to go. What with text messaging and everything, it's probably already half way there - their? Whatever! Who cares!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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