Following a string of lurid allegations in the Sunday tabloids that top TV sweary celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay has been conducting a clandestine seven year sex affair with a writer called Sarah Symonds, who we've personally never even heard of, a leading international figure has leapt to Ramsey's defence.
'This is merely a flight of fancy,' Internet psychologist and e Bay stalwart Joe Maplin claimed.
'This story is nothing more than the product of an overheated imagination,' he said over a brandy and babycham in the lounge bar of the Red House, a pub in Rosegrove, Burnley, Lancashire.
'What story?' a pint swilling regular chipped in.
We ignored him as Joe Maplin got down to the crux of his revelation.
'See that Ramsay, how's he gonna conduct a secret sex affair? Exactly. It would be impossible because everybody knows his face. It would have come out yonks ago.'
We begged the question then that why would Ramsay want to maintain a tight lipped silence on the subject if there was no substance to the allegations?
'Why WOULD he?' Joe Maplin scoffed. 'He's got four kids, a beautiful wife, a multi-million pound cafeteria empire, and a smack head brother who'd tell anybody anything for the price of a bag.
'Besides which, if Ramsay was knobbing two beautiful women at the same time he'd have been as chuffed as a dog with two dicks, all smug and that.
'Not the miserable sweary celeb that he's been for ages. If you ask me, he wasn't getting any at all, not even off his wife, which explains why he lobs pots and pans about and swears so much.
'Truth is he was probably wanking himself into near oblivion the whole time.
'Bollocks,' the beer swilling regular chipped in before disappearing into the gents to water the donkey.
More as we get it.