Labour's Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling, a former old rope salesman, was found lynched under Blackfriars Bridge early this morning, his pockets stuffed with supermarket discount vouchers and fruit machine tokens.
Police Inspector Ernie Scrunt informed reporters that they were treating the cause of death as suicide, regardless of the multiple stab wounds in his back.
Darling's official secretary, Gillian Minge, told the press the Chancellor had been suffering from severe depression since the recent collapse of the British economy. "Mr. Darling just couldn't live with the fact he was a total wanker and had personally caused a replay of the 1920's Great Depression."
Tory Shadow Chancellor Morton Scrognot, MP for Old Trout, told Parliament "Gordon Brown's Labour government has totally lost the plot. This country is now so far up shitcreek that even bigger paddles wouldn't be of any help."
London University's Professor of Economics and Nobel Prize winner for Bean-Counting, Olaf McPfennig, told the media "It's all bollocks really. Any clot that can count to ten could have seen this fiasco coming years ago.
What do you expect when your supposed national government financial institutions, the Bank of England and the Federal Reserve in the US, are privately-owned by slimy money-jugglers like the Rothchilds and the Rockefellers, to name just a couple of the greedy parasitic vermin who own the World."
"Kick fractional reserve banking out of the window, print your own money, and 'hey presto!' - problem solved. Lincoln did it. JFK did it. And obviously upset some powerful dark forces as they both got snuffed shortly after."
Labour business secretary Lady Cynthia Mandelson told BBC One's Andrew 'Bat-Ears' Marr that action was needed to stop a "very deep recession" but Gordon didn't want to upset the owners of the Old Lady of Threadneedle Street too much in case his name got added to one of their nasty hit lists.
Tory leader David Cameron advised the press his plan for massive wind turbine manufacture could solve the recession while Vince Cable, for the Liberal Democrats, said he couldn't really give a flying fuck and was going down to the local Rub and Tug for a nice massage.
Sir Ming Vase Campbell, Lib-Dem MP for the Middle Kingdom and party Confucianism philosopher, opined to the media "Yer man Brown needs to watch his wee scally arse very carefully, him and his girlfriend Mandy, and remember some of the lessons history's thrown up regarding the public's reactions to government incompetence. Need I mention 1917 or the storming of the Bastille?"
Writing in the business section of the Daily Sport, Prime Minister Gordon Brown said: "If we do not act now then the retailers will be facing a Shite Christmas, which might just start a revolution."
"I want to reduce VAT by a couple of percent and increase the period of grace before lenders repossess homes to three months, so when a family gets thrown out of their house the weather will be a bit warmer."
Widespread rumour mongering in the gutter press suggests VAT could temporarily drop by 2.5% to 15% (the lowest level allowed by the EU's Brussels Bullies) in an effort to get consumers spending again, ignoring the obvious fact that if the public don't have any cash left from their redundancy pay-offs, they'll doubtless load their credit cards to the hilt, creating a monumental personal debt problem for 2009.
Rumours that a massive injection of investment capital for British industry is to be made next week by Somalia's First Pirate Bank of Mogadishu have been scotched by Downing Street insiders.