Hair-trigger temper men across Britain awoke to the news that they may soon be able to hone their partner bruising skills for free, via a new Government incentive scheme.
Police chiefs had recently reported the amount of officer hours wasted on domestics that were little more than 'slanging matches' was rising, keeping officers from attending real crimes like people spitting in public, or kids shouting from buses.
"The NHS has recently come into possession of hundreds of empty baby units in hospitals across the country, providing a perfect training scenario for dad to give mum a good whack in the eye over the little 'uns cot."
"We will be concentrating on facial bruising impact maximisation, developing language skills for more colourful spouse abuse, and advising women on plausible excuses for having a face like a drop-kicked watermelon."
"Also, we will be selling a competitively priced 'winter sunshades' collection for perfecting that just-had-my-eye-socket-destroyed look for those mouthy missys", commented Esther Rantzen, the initiative co-ordinator.