Pirates have boarded and seized a boat in the dock harbour in Salford, Greater Manchester.
The three pirates, Jezza, MC Dipstick and The Buzzcoq, all from the uptown, downmarket Moss Side suburb of Manchester and heavily armed with knives, guns, three kebabs, a bottle of cider and a copy of the free Metro newespaper, crept aboard the Manchester Ship Canal barge in the middle of the night.
It wasn't until almost 5pm the following day, having issued a ransom demand earlier that morning by uninteligible text on a phone borrowed from pensioner Mrs Marjory Thatcher, without her consent, outside Stretford post office, that the three men realised the barge was from the 1960's and had been abandoned three years previously.
The leadear of the three pirates, MC Dipstick, spoke to police through an interpreter, mainly because he can't speak English properly, having truanted from school during his entire education.
Following a series of "crucials", "innits", "likes", "know-warra-means" dropped "h's" and "t's", the three men gave themselves up so as not to miss their appearance on that evening's edition of Crimestoppers.