An unnamed man from Nuneaton was speaking about the shock discovery that he was very slowly being eaten by his next door neighbour, Georgia Romero, a hospital anaesthetist, part-time wine-maker and head of the local Chianti society.
The revelations came to light after 6 months, when constant bits and pieces missing from his body, including an earlobe, 3 toes, 2 semi-important fingers and even some excess foreskin, all of which were attributed to necrotising fasciitis by baffled, overworked NHS GPs, were in fact discovered to be the cannibalistic work of crazed, (yet admittedly helpful with shopping, minor repairs etc) Ms Romero.
"Yesterday, I woke up feeling really groggy, as I have done sporadically over the last few months, strangely after my neighbour insisted on giving me a diabetes aversion injection. I felt something nibbling at my left eyelid, thought it was a butterfly or moth, but as I regained full conscious clarity, I realised the neighbour was gently feeding on my face. I suppose my suspicions should have been aroused when she started asking me to bathe in Kraft light French dressing, claiming it was a perfect remedy for tough skin".
Ms Romero was taken into psychiatric care for evaluation, but experts revealed that she is very probably off her fucking nut.