Written by The Big C O Jones
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Topics: Music, Attacks, stabbing

Sunday, 16 November 2008

image for Stabbings at O2 Music Event
One of the vicious wounds at the stabbing frenzy venue

Three people were stabbed at the 'Urban Music' Awards at the O2 Arena yesterday in what police have described as 'an unsurprising knife related event'.

Usually there is strict security at the venue - even to the extent that when you visit the cinemas there you, your partner and kids as young as two are asked to empty your bags and coat pockets before being allowed in - but at this positively discriminatory event 'celebrating non-white music', the security amounted to three members of the Greenwich Branch of the Women's Institute because organisers insisted that there 'be no knife problems in our community bruv ya getme innit'.

Various Government related organisations have been in discussions as to which of them will be blamed this time for 'the kids being bored' or 'the failures in the system that encourages certain people to go out stabbing others' - Social Services are hotly tipped to take this one on the chin as it is their turn for a good kicking in the press.

A line-up of 'role models' were due to give awards at the event including Leona Lewis, Pepsi & Shirley, Farley Jack Master Funk, Barry White and Dizzie Ratshit however in the end they could not be ars*d.

We asked Dizzie Ratshit for a comment and he indeed started speaking however we could not understand what he was saying, so we asked his interpreter to translate what he had said - but we couldn't understand him either - we think it was something to do with 'Da Muzik, Nifes, Yoof and Respek'.

Organisers say that this is the sixth continuous year of knife violence at the event and that they are thinking of renaming it the 'Urban Assault Awards' to manage public expectations about it more effectively.

Critics have suggested that the antithesis to these events should be a 'MOWO' - Music of White Origin Awards, however it is doubtful that turnout to watch the likes of Chas 'n Dave or Bucks Fizz would be all that high and that instead people would rather sit at home listening to Beatles Albums or something.

On a positive note, this event did break the world record for the 'Most old crap pimped-up BMW's in a line at any one time' when the event closed and attendees made their way from the car parks.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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