London, UK/ Guardian - In yet another magnanimous offer to "Share the Wealth", President Elect Obama makes a world wide plea for his missing relatives to come forward and make unselfish donations to Britain's ailing Sperm Bank system.
Obama was reacting to reports that new government rules making mandatory identification of the sperm donors public record has cut off voluntary donations. Sperm Tellers at the banks said donors were afraid that their British wives would react unfavorably to their infidelity, unlike many Congressional Cousins who donate with impunity in the US.
A spokesman for PM Gordon Brown said that the situation was "dire", and discounted the government rulings as being the cause.
"I think that the problem is that most of my countrymen are just practicing too much at home...you just can't keep expending yourself time after time and think you can just keep going to the well again and again...this is irresponsible behaviour! It's a Wanking Disgrace!" The PM, suffering from failing eyes sight, didn't mention other affects such as slowly going blind.
The PM's spokesman also attributed the problem to a new chemical spray known as PSD502 developed in England to combat "Pre-Mature" deposits.
"There are too many studies being conducted using this product, which has resulted in "stiff" competition for Sperm Deposits." he said.
"Additionally, it has been reported that the fast acting rigidity foam has also been used in unintended ways, such as on one's tongue." the spokesman said. Product spokesman said this is just another British way to display a "stiff upper lip." and an example of the products versatility.
When you use this product on your tongue, according to reports, it causes a speech impediment that could last for several hours, and abusive use could result in permanent speech irregularities. . Attempts to reach View Host Barbara Walters, and House Banking leader Barney Frank for comment were unsuccessful.
Obama said by having his far flung relatives come forth and donate he would be honoring his Kenyan father who was well known for his prolific and unselfish sperm donations during his brief life time. Obama also added an earmark to the Sperm Bank Bill that would not limit donations to ten per donor. The earmark was a conciliatory move toward the NBA and NFL players Union which said they had a "long standing" stake in the Bank which handled their Pension Funds and "other residuals".