Written by Monkey Woods
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Saturday, 15 November 2008

image for Government To Pass 'X Factor Bill' Next Thursday
A bench sags as Laura reads the X Factor Bill

Prime Minster Gordon Brown has announced in a statement from Downing Street this morning that, as a result of the debacle involving Laura White on the X Factor last Saturday, the government is to take action that will prevent a repeat of 'poor voting' in the future.

Mr Brown went on to unveil the X Factor Bill.

The Bill will clearly set out guidelines for voting for competitors, with advice for those who have not voted before. The public will be told to vote for contestants "with regard to their ability to sing, rather than what their personality is, what soaps they are in, or how much of their cleavage can be seen".

Voters who do not follow the guidelines, will be dealt with by the government.

Laura White, who looks and sounds a bit like Amy Winehouse - poor thing! - was adjudged to have finished in the 'botton two' after the public had cast its telephone votes last Saturday. She was subsequently voted off the show by the judges after she went head-to-head with Spanish beauty Ruth Lorenzo, whose nipples could clearly be seen protruding through her sexy dress.

Laura had been widely-tipped to win the competition, and was crestfallen as the result was announced. She immediately left for Manchester, from where she hails, and, arriving there, commenced binge drinking.

Labour Culture Secretary Andy Burnham, the MP in Laura's constituency of Leigh, told viewers:

"It's shocking. She's a lovely well-rounded Northern lass. A bit overweight, but you can't have everything. This new bill will prevent quirky voters and senile old grandmas from voting waywardly. My advice to all X Factor fans is:

'Don't follow your head or your heart, follow the guidelines!'"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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