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Wednesday, 12 November 2008

image for Russia Declares War On Lancashire Mill Town
Roman Abramovich Reflecting On What Might Have Been - If Only

In an unprecedented move this evening, the Russian government declared war on the Lancashire mill town of Burnley following Chelsea's defeat in the Carling Cup at home to the East Lancashire minnows.

Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich is said to have pulled out all the stops and sanctioned nothing less than a total scorched earth policy against the northern upstarts.

Abramovich, whose all star Chelsea team pick up more in wages per week than the entire population of Burnley, Padiham, Accrington, Nelson, Colne, Earby And Barnoldswick put together was seen this evening biting his bottom lip until it bled, such was his fury.

It's thought that multi trillionaire Abramovich has called in favours from every section of what's seriously dodgy in the Russian underworld, and that quantities of enriched uranium have been moved around Moscow in the last couple of hours.

A Moscow beggar stated that he wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of the Russian oligarch.

A jubilant Burnley supporter speaking from the Coach and Horses pub in Church Street said: 'Bring it on Abramovich. Like we give a fuck. Commie bastard.'

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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