(Buckingham Palace, Monday). As world leaders gather round their personal litigation advisers, the Lord Chamberlain has confirmed today that according to her personal wishes, there will be no state funeral for the Queen and that a private ceremony at Slough Crematorium attended only by other members of the Lowenstein family will despatch her into the annals of history.
Also according to her wishes, her cremated remains will be returned to her husband at the Vatican who has indicated he is too old and frail to travel for the Slough event.
Personal effects such as dresses, hats and shoes will be auctioned off on E-Bay and the proceeds used to settle litigation expenses following the discovery by City of London Fraud Squad of ££££££billions of Enron cash stashed under the Mountbatten-Windsor mattress.
The corgis are to be sold to a Belgian abattoir specialising in cat food canning and the royal racehorses will be sold off at Royal Ascot next week to settle gaming debts on the internet betting exchanges.
No word as yet about the fate of Prince Charles and his siblings, but a US Extradition Team is standing by at RAF Northolt awaiting final flight-plan details believed to be a one way journey to Guantanamo Bay.
More details are expected tomorrow.