Bad boy Brand, one time broadcaster, revealed as Daffodil abuser!
Authorities are rushing to contain the latest drug sensation, Daffodils, distilled, are said to be more powerful than Methamphetamine or LSD.
Local councils now have the answer to the huge rise in the theft of daffodils from public parks, Shrewsbury, in the West Midlands has had virtually all its daffodils stolen from the ring road, "We planted at least 500.000 of them in 2005, now there are none left", lamented head of verges, Saffron Green.
It seems that the effect of daffodils as an halucigen were known to the Ancient Britons, the knowledge being passed down through the Morris Dancing community, the problem has blossomed out of control in the last couple of years due to internet distributed information on how best to extract the vital ingredient.
I, as a responsible reporter, would not normally have published the method. However, due to recent BBC News coverage, I now feel you, my readers, have a right to know.
Since the discovery that espresso coffee machines can both speed up, and strengthen the effect, abuse has become widespread.
Currys and Argos among others are restricting supply of domestic espresso machines and instigating a registration process. Starbucks have installed anti ramraid protection at vulnerable stores to prevent thefts of commercial machines, and increased security to prevent out of hours "steaming" abuse by keyholder staff.
A defiant Brand claimed that "Yellowing" had done him no harm, and was "harmless fun" he admitted however that he was under its influence during the infamous TV recorded message scandal which cost him his career.
Parents in particular are advised to check for missing daffodils, odd tasting coffee, and the characteristic yellow hue exhibited by abusers.
Although at present perfectly legal, legislation is expected by the years end to control this new menace.
A helpline for further information has been set up by Mothers against Daffs(M.A.D)Call 0800 MADDAFF (0800 6233233)