London, Shortly after dinner time - Ex PM John Major, son of a circus clown father and a contortionist circus performer mother, originally from Electric Avenue, Brixton, South London today announced that he was making a comeback in order to lead the Conservative party to victory in the next election because current Tory leader David Cameron is 'fucking clueless.'
Major, whose courage will never be in doubt because he carried on a sex affair with scouse ex-minister for eggs and salmonella, Edwina Curry, who remains pug ugly, has stated that he will be hitting the hustings sometime soon.
'The Conservative party need to get real,' Major, a one time favourite of the dreaded Thatcher said this morning. 'There are serious issues which need to be addressed and to be honest, Do Nothing Dave is squandering opportunity after opportunity.
'We have a global financial crisis and panic in the streets, we're facing a recession of unprecedented proportions, we've had the Ross/Brand/Manuel scandal and how does Cameron respond to all this?
'He rides his bike about for a bit and twats on about being green.
'What a waste of fucking space.'