Written by Noshing Mink
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Sunday, 2 November 2008

image for Politically Correct Pen Pushers Ban Latin phrases from English as "Elitist"
Latin words will be expunged from dictionaries and replaced by words like poppodum

The Daily Telegraph has reported that British councils have banned the use of Latin phrases from English on the ground that "not everyone learned Latin at school". The PC decision is supposedly aimed at helping People For Whom English Is Not Their First Language and Thickos Who Left School At Sixteen.

An overpaid council spokesman told us from his yacht in Marbella: "Some people who didn't study Latin at school think that 'bona fides' means 'give the dog a bone'. And one foreign person thought that 'e.g.' means 'egg'. That's good enough to justify the ban."

Henceforth, any council tax payers who use Latin will be punished. A range of penalties will be introduced, from Sending Round An Annoying Man From The Council to Not Have Their Trash Collected On Thursdays. People who want to use Latin behind closed doors with friends will have to apply for a council permit which will specify how many phrases can be used per day and their neighbours will be given the chance to object. Members of the clergy will be allowed to continue to use Latin words and phrases in their sermons, provided they use an equal number of Gujerati, Arabic and Polish words.

The Plain English Campaign, which supports the ban, even says that 'pm' and 'am', which describe the time of day, should not be used, since they are Latin for after and before midday.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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