CTS. The Silent Killer! - Unspoken of for too long, an insidious killer lurks in our midst. A silent affliction, mainly affecting older men, it gradually overwhelms, so slowly yet so comfortably that the victim is blissfully unaware of his own impending demise.
Though warnings have been issued from time to time, the disease exhibits such benign symptoms that victims are overcome before anyone even realises the threat is present.
Dating back to circus world, early Chaplin movies prove it's early existence, the condition has now become widespread throughout much of the western world.
Until recently it was thought that the condition was spread through contact at elderly persons meeting places, such as bowling clubs and bingo halls, but not all were convinced. A team of crack research scientists have been investigating the condition since the early seventies, and now believe we are closer than ever to unravelling the mystery of this appalling killer.
Shockingly, CTS is now believed to be spread via an international cartel of fabric manufacturers. For many it is admittedly difficult to believe that such evil should exist in the garment trade. We are now, however, in a position to reveal exactly how and why this condition is being spread.
It has recently been unearthed through the Freedom of Information Act, that around a century ago, following the early deaths of circus clowns and silent movie comedians, the condition of CTS, or "Creeping Trouser Syndrome", was identified by the authorities but kept secret to avoid alarming the elderly and causing mass panic. However, the secret was leaked to the Guild of International Trouser Sewers (GITS), who, armed with this knowledge, have been able to reap huge profits from the sale of large high-waistband trousers.
The scheme is disturbing in its simplicity: Men, generally but not exclusively, find that as they age they prefer a trouser with more room. Over the years, manufacturers have gradually increased both the size and height of the waistband, thus selling far more fabric than would normally be the case. The one downside to this nefarious scheme has been that the waistband eventually gets so high that the victim is smothered by his own trousers.
It is only through a combination of the authorities' cover-up and the public's naive faith in the garment industry that this awful truth has been unknown for so long. After all, why would trouser makers wish to kill their own customers? Recently, after a plea bargain by an ex-manufacturer, we know that some years ago OCRT, or Optimised Creeping Rate Technology, has secretly been integrated into fuller-fitting trousers. This fiendish technology senses when the wearer is close to the end of his purchasing life and mercilessly closes the waistband over his head, ending the victim's days in his own comfortably enclosed tomb.
So beware out there. Never permit waistbands to approach the lower ribs. It is the beginning of the very comfortable end. (CPS in USA)