It was confirmed today that the erroneously titled "comedian" Russell Brand, despite promoting himself as a ladies man who is irresistible to all women, and who has sex between six to eight times a day, is, in fact, still a virgin.
"That's why he is always going on about it," explained an associate of Brand, who did not want to be named, for fear of his being revealed as someone who knows him causing great embarrassment to him and his family.
"He bangs on and on and on and on and on about sex, morning,noon and night. But he has never actually had a sexual experience of any kind. Well-hang on, he once admitted he looked at the pictures of the women's underwear in a Freemans catalogue...but that's as far as it goes. Does it count? I think he thinks it does."
Russell Brand is 13, and a pupil of Lesser Witt Comprehensive School in Paignton. He was recently suspended from the school because he, and a classmate, Johnny "Jonathan" Ross, aged 14, took time out to get the big blue train all the way to London, saying they were making a radio show as part of their Media Studies GCSE course. However, after gorging themselves on Sunny D and Haribo all morning, they were, as one onlooker said, "quite hyper" by the time they arrived in London, proceeding to go to see a nursie to get some medicine before making their way to the place where they had alleged they were to do their school project work.
With no supervision available, things got a little out of hand, as the nations "Daily Mail" readers will attest, and the pair indulged themselves in talk about "farts", "pants", Harry Potter, and "wee wee". It is alleged-but not yet proven-that Ross also said the word "poo poo", however, so much high pitched giggling was going on at the time, onlookers said this was not certain.
Brand later on said, in between bites of his processed cheese sandwich, that he had done "naughty things" with a young lady whose photo they had seen, before betting Ross 10p that he wouldn't dare play a trick on someone on the phone, an exchange of"...bet you daren't?", "bet I do", "no, bet you daren't", "bet I do, I did that thing after Scooby Doo, remember?".
Apparently a phone call was then made by the duo who proceeded to demonstrate fairly typical and unremarkable schoolboy humour that would have looked good in a particularly dull and lonely corner of their own school playground.
On the train back to Paignton, Brand was sick after eating his ice cream too quickly. He was immediately put to bed by his Mum when he got in. Ross was allegedly still "excited" when he returned home, so was grounded for a fortnight and given some Calpol.
It is believed that neither of these two little boys are at school today.