A revolutionary new form of car tax is to be introduced by the British Government which, it hopes, will not only help to cut carbon emissions, but also cease claims from the motoring lobby that car users are being unfairly targeted by Government departments.
Labour spokesman Alf Whippet, answering questions yesterday said that it meant that "...everyone, whoever they are, whatever they drive, will be able to have the car they want, and go where they want..." He added that the new tax, "...which will apply to everyone, rich and poor..." meant a simple mechanical adjustment to all vehicles for a one off payment of £100.
Quizzed further about this, Tupper explained, "...what it means lad, is that all cars will have their wheels removed. All of them mind, this Government has always been seen to be fair and consistant-if it were t'Tories, you'd have two wheels here, three there, maybe just the one, like, off your gaz guzzlers-but in this case, it'll be all four, clean and simple..."
The Department of Transport has issued a statement confirming Tupper's words. Officials explained that it would not only significantly reduce carbon emissions but lessen demand for oil, as well as reducing congestion on the roads and even, adding surely a future election sweetner, lead to the eventual abolition of the fees payable in such cities as London for driving into these urban areas.
"Its completely fair and equitable" said a masked D of T official, based on the highway. "People have long said that we are penalising car users, well, no more. You can have what car you like and as many as you like. We accept that it may take some getting used to, and drivers may have to face some mobility issues at first, but, we are sure everyone will get used to it and that Britain will lead the way in the wheel free and totally green car industry".
Police fears that these measures may lead to a drop in pension and junket raising speeding fines were quashed by the Government in a further statement who said that the millions of speed cameras placed throughout the country would be adapted for use in determining other crimes for which fines would be payable. These included not walking in a straight line, carrying a copy of "Hello" magazine, being young, being old, and looking like you might be a terrorist.
Furore that threatened to develop when it was revealed that ministers would be exempt from the ruling and be able to retain their Jaguars-as well as their spare Jaguars and weekend Bentleys, all fully wheeled and mobile-when a spokesman for the Government said "...oh yes, it doesn't apply to us. Still, what you going to do?.."
The Government has also reminded people that, if they keep their mobile phone chargers on all night, the polar icecaps will melt and it will be "your fault".