Written by Tom Duckworth
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Thursday, 23 October 2008

image for The London Olympics…it does mean changing the EastEnders opening title image!
Athlete's criticised by lifeguards for running in unsafe manner

The credit crunch affecting the world financial markets has begun to be felt by the planners of the 2012 Olympic Games in London.

The chairman of the Olympic Delivery Authority John Armitt said last month: "The consequence of what is happening in the markets means that the availability of funding is more difficult."

New budgeting schemes have been put in place which meant cut backs as high as 100% of security officials. A spokesman, without a face explained yesterday about a plan being formed to lay a claim that some of the world's top ninjas will be controlling the security of the events.

"Don't mess with ninjas. Fact! Especially the stealthy ones," the spokesman without a face said, "I messed with a ninja once and now I have no face."

The statement was made to act as a deterrent of violence at the 2012 games with the hope that "no trouble kicks off, cos if it does we're buggered" admitted the spokesman, who actually lost his face whilst working on an amateur dramatics performance of the film face/off when he was tragically mistaken for the actor playing the role of Caster Troy.

More cut backs have forced a new addition to the design of the athletics stadium with the swimming, diving and water game events to be held in a pool constructed around the edge of the running track instead of an entirely separate building.

All was going well for the idea until the lifeguards kicked up a fuss and claimed it would undermine their authority if they allowed people to run along the poolside.

"Why? And I don't think I think alone here, if these swimmers are supposedly, I don't know, THE BEST in the WORLD, do we need water trained medical personnel I ask you?!" A sarcastic question said there by an angry Mr. Armitt last week after a few rounds at the pub. "If these 'athletes' are likely to get into trouble whilst in the water perhaps they should be asking themselves if they're in the right profession."

Despite not having remembered this, Armitt's words caused the involuntary dismissal of all the lifeguards set to work throughout the games which conveniently saved even more money that can now go elsewhere on the project, like, paying for a roof tile or something.

However, not all the members of the committee were happy about this decision and so to be on the safe side a representative of the OHSHIT (Olympic Health and Safety from Harmful or Irritant Things) was asked to go to Ladbroke's and place a £5 bet on an Olympic swimmer drowning during the London 2012 events, that way if things were to go tits up, with odds like those it should bring in just enough money when they're sued for millions.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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