London, England - Just when you may have thought the news couldn't get any weirder, police in Pemberton have discovered a naked man wedged in a chimney at a Tesco Express convenience store.
Local police spokesperson, PC Soot, conveyed that police were summoned to the premises at 5:30 A.M. by Tesco manager Rajit Singe. "Mr Singe called both the fire brigade and the police when his shop began filling with smoke," relayed PC Soot. "Apparently the baker was preparing fresh donuts in the shop's oven when the entire place filled with smoke."
Fifteen year old illegal immigrant and head baker, Dough Fu, said that she had been baking since 3:30 A.M. as usual.
"Everything was fine. I finished the baguettes and muffins and was starting the donuts," said Ms Dough, wiping flour and soot from her brow. "Then there was all this smoke. I didn't do anything wrong. Please don't report me to Immigration."
When the fire brigade ascertained there was indeed no fire on the premises, the police began their investigation in earnest. PC Soot reported that officers on the scene then heard strange noises coming from the chimney.
"Imagine our surprise when one of our officers poked his head up the chimney and came eyeball to eye, er, ball with the intruder," said a slightly embarrassed Soot. "He was completely starkers."
With the assistance of the fire brigade, the police began their dutiful job of extricating the totally naked young man from the chimney.
"It wasn't easy at all," said Soot. "He was wedged in there pretty tight and there weren't many places to grab hold of him neither. Finally Ms Dough Fu came up with the solution and dumped a vat of vegetable oil down the chimney and he came sliding out slick as a whistle."
The naked man, now in custody, turned out to be 22 year old Chim Chiminey from nearby Stovepipe-on-Stove.
When questioned by police as to how he happened to be in the chimney at the Tesco Express, Mr Chiminey sang like a bird. "Well, you see, I was sleepwalking and dreaming I was dancing on the rooftops of London with Mary Poppins, is all," chirped Chiminey.
When asked to explain why he was stark naked, Chiminey replied that he always slept in the nude as he was a bed wetter.
Seeing that this line of questioning was going nowhere, the police performed a more thorough background check on Mr Chiminey and discovered that his real name was in fact Smokey De Bandit. Mr De Bandit also has a long rap sheet of arrests for donut theft.
"It turns out this wasn't the first time he's been charged for similar offenses," reported PC Soot. "In the past year alone, Mr De Bandit has gone down the chimneys of Dunkin Donuts and Krispy Kreme. But to swivel his naked body down the chimney at a local Tesco Express for their crappy donuts, well the guy had to be totally desperate."
As for the nakedness, the first police theory was that Mr De Bandit had taken off his clothes in order to fit down the tight chimney. However, forensic psychologist Dr Cinnamon Transfat has profiled De Bandit and discovered that he has a psychological fetish.
"Well it is true that he is a bed wetter. It has something to do with being an unwanted child. He's re-enacting his naked birth using the chimney as the birth canal. The donut represents suckling and nutrition," explained Dr Transfat, munching on a maple iced glazed Krispy Kreme donut.
"So what?, that freak isn't going to suckle on my donuts or anything else," pronounced Tesco Express head baker, Ms Dough Fu.
"I knew what he was up to from the start. If the truth be told, I knew he was up in that chimney at 3:30 A.M. when I started my shift. But I didn't report him until 5:30 just to make him suffer."
"I've been studying for my British Citizenship Test, and one of the questions has to do with Victorian chimney sweeps. I know all about 'chimney sweeps cancer' that appears in the testicles from the constant irritation of the soot on naked skin," said a proud Ms Dough.
"I didn't give away any free donuts to Lance Armstrong when he cycled in here, and I'm not about to let some chimney freak get his hands on my warm and moist pumpkin muffins either," declared a defiant Dough Fu.
Meanwhile, an unrepentant Mr De Bandit has been released from custody on the condition that he stays at least 500 yards away from any and all donut shops.
"Well, there's a hole in that theory," said a twinkling Mr De Bandit. "They didn't say nothing about beignets, churros or cinnamon twists now, did they?", as he started stripping off his clothes and heading for the chimney on top of Cafe Rouge.