Written by Michael Simmonite
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Topics: Shopping, Poetry

Thursday, 6 December 2001

image for Sheer Poetry!
Are you the wonderful author?

Anonymous masterpiece found on scrap of paper in supermarket! TheSpoof.com can report that modern poetry could be on the verge of a revolution - thanks to a million-to-one coincidence in a Safeway supermarket.

A poem, which had been hastily scribbled on a piece of paper and disregarded by the checkout in the Skegness-by-the-sea branch, was unbelievably picked up and read by none other than Flouncy Waffling - Vice-President of The British Society of Meaningful Verse.

"I was stunned," Ms Waffling told us. "Seldom does one become excited by work in such a way. I was totally and utterly encapsulated."

"I was just visiting Skegness for the day to try and get some inspiration for the punctuation in the last line of my new poem - 'Deep Fish Chisels', when I remembered I needed some lentils. When I went to the checkout to pay I noticed a screwed up piece of paper at the end of the conveyor belt.

"I don't know why, but something made me pick it up. Call it curiosity, if you like. You cannot imagine how happy it made me feel when I unscrewed it and read it for the first time."

Unfortunately it was untitled and bore no name or address, and so Ms Waffling has asked TheSpoof to help her in her search for the author.

"If you are the author, please, please I beg that you come forward - you will not regret it," she said. Below is the first stanza of the poem. If you are the author, send the two remaining stanzas in to TheSpoof, and if they match up with Ms Waffling's, you may never have to work again!

Apples, oranges,
Crisps,
nuts;
Crackerbarrel.
Strawberry jam,
Haagen Daaz;
Madiera cake,
Rich tea.

"Wonderful," Ms Waffling enthused. "After chewing over the same old airy-fairy nonsense day in, day out, how refreshing it was to digest such an agreeable piece of work.

"It is entire and flamboyant and bears the characteristics of modern Franco-Belgique freefall verse - but with important social overtones. The first stanza hits you like an electric storm and I particularly liked the intelligent use of the semicolon after 'nuts'."

The interview took place almost a month ago. We phoned Ms Waffling to see if she had any news: "Sadly, no," she told us. "Just a few hoaxes, nothing more. One crank caller even came forward claiming to be the author but saying it was really her shopping list!"

The search continues.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

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