Written by The Big C O Jones
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Topics: Health, heart attack

Sunday, 19 October 2008

image for Heart attack plan 'to save mone....erm...lives'
'Don't call us - we'll collect you' - 999 Operator

The UK government announced via the medium of dance today that they are going to introduce a 'cold standard' of treatment in London for heart attack patients.

'We've given up really' said Health Minister Lord Arid Carzi. "In London alone, a 5% cut in us having to bother with heart attack patients would enable me to be on hand to drive Peter Mandleson to a hospital when he gets a bit of a jippy tummy, and under current practices, this is just not possible'. He then quoted various other percentages at us that really didn't make any sense but he assured us they were all based on a detailed and lengthy consultation process that had included 5 members of the public, his mothers Great Aunt and his milkman's cat.

Lord Carzi confirmed that the new plans would see NHS Trusts in London (where Carzi is intent on screwing the whole of the capitals health services) having to meet strict targets in employing thousands of decorators called Angela and procuring hundreds of thousands of units of helium filled tin-foil. 'The Government is committed to to ensuring that every heart attack patient in London is provided with an Angela-plasterer within 3 years of their heart attack' said Carzi, and that '...they will be sent on their way home via the tube with a specially designed NHS balloon...if they survive their heart attack of course' he chortled.

Although the proposed treatment will be over £4500 cheaper to perform per patient than the current technique of investing in TromboneISAs, it is hoped that the money saved will be turned into savings that will then be cut from the NHS budget in London altogether. 'In these financially stretching times, it is important that we can still slash as many services as we can in the name of efficiency but still harp on like everything is actually getting better for you and for future generations'

Outrageously overpriced Consultants Prince Waterhouse Coopers has been hired at rates that would far exceed any value they could possibly return...ever to devise a 'bin-man type' roadside collection service to run in conjunction with this initiative for cleaning-up the corpses of heart attack victims as it may get a bit whiffy in the capital otherwise. When this collection service is operational, London Ambulance 999 operators have been told not to ignore heart attack related calls and instead have been told to quote the new slogan of their roadside service 'Don't call us, we'll collect you'.

Some commentators have suggested that this move by the Government is linked to the Cabinet all throwing a few quid into a kitty and buying preference shares in waste contractors Onyx and Biffa, controlling stakes in funeral directors Thompsons and the Co-op and securing 'advisor posts' with Prince Waterhouse Coopers when they are booted out of Government (which some say could be as early as the next general election). When confronted about this, Lord Carzi said 'erm...QUICK...look over there!' and ran away into Whitehall.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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