Britain went into meltdown yesterday teatime following news that 53 year old ne'er do well Arthur Pewty was rumoured to be going out for a pint.
RAF Fighter Command was put on standby, the SAS were recalled from leave, Gordon Brown convened an emergency summit at number ten and all police leave was cancelled. Hot on the heels of these developments it was revealed that the Licensed Victuallers Association declared a state of red alert which resulted in the immediate closure of 1,500 licensed premises nationwide.
Focus centred on north west London, and on Neasden in particular, where Arthur Pewty lives in a council flat in Norman Wisdom Tower Village with his wife, Beryl, a former sex symbol who once rode naked on a donkey on a dodgy video.
The Prime Minister issued a statement on national television to the effect that Pewty going out on the lash was a situation to be avoided at all costs. 'The nation simply cannot afford to allow this individual to go for a night out on the piss,' Mr Brown said. 'The consequences of such frivolity could be devastating' he added seriously.
Former world heavyweight champion Lennox Lewis stated 'If that dude's going out, I'm staying home. He's such a bad mother-' before an onlooker told him to shut his mouth.
Representatives from this esteemed organ were unable to contact Arthur Pewty directly, but did manage to speak to Beryl Pewty via mobile phone through a series of shady contacts. She issued the following carefully prepared statement: 'What are you on about? My Arthur never said anything about going out on the piss. He just came home, had his tea and dozed off in front of the telly watching Emmerdale. Haven't you people got anything better to do than harass law abiding citizens? Just leave us alone will you...'
Despite reassurances from Beryl Pewty police and military riot squads nervously patrolled the mean streets of Neasden.
The situation remains in limbo.