Written by Gertrude Dobbs
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Topics: Telephone

Thursday, 6 December 2001

image for Marconi - It Would Be Good If You Talked

Troubled communications giant Marconi today blamed its plight upon a lack of communication and apologised to shareholders after it was announced its share price had dropped below the value of a Sainsbury's Chicken and Mushroom Pot Noodle.

"People are simply not communicating," said Mr Mike Parton, the group's CEO. "I blame it for all the wars of late. If people talked more it would be better for all of us. So, go on, communicate. Aw, please."

But city analysts have done nothing but talk of the greatest turn around of earnings in corporate history. "They (Marconi) went from a profit of over two million pounds to a loss of one billion pounds over three days," said one bespectacled, rich-looking trader yesterday.

"Not that I care - I sold my shares last January at ten quid a throw."

Marconi is not the only company to hit stormy waters. Financial markets around the world have been in turmoil since September 10th when it was announced that Richard Branson was blowing up balloons again, and also since September 11th when World War Three started.

Tatty-falarious, tickling-stick-wielding, diddy-man-buggering Scouse comic Ken Dodd offered this advice for would-be investors in the stock exchange: "Don't do it, missus," he squarked. "Do like I do and stick your money under your mattress. Not even the tax man will look under there."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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