The Daily Scum can reveal Richard Madefortv regularly beats his screen wife Judy with a string of sausages. The obnoxious despot also throws their baby out of the window at regular intervals.
TV medical mad-man, Dr Harold Shipmam says "Richard is suffering from Punch and Judyitis, which is a chronic inflammation of the ego. This presents itself with sproradic outbursts of meglomania, wife battering and know-it-allness. In some cases the sufferer gets in trouble with the law and may steal stuff such as bottles of wine or other people's wives"
"The disease was first seen in miserable 'Brummie' comic 'Tony Hannock'. After playing a Punch and Judy man in a dire and piss-poor film. His personality took on the charcteristics of Mr Punch, causing Hancock to become a wife-beating, alcoholic demi-god" added Doctor 'don't let your granny near me' Shipman.
"Judy has been seen with welts on her face, that resemble the marks that are made, when you are violently hit across the kisser with a string of pork and leek bangers" said the author of the story.
Her make-up lady Amy Wineandbeerhouse said "I have to cover her bruises with pancake make-up, so she looks presentable. But if you see her on screen, her face really looks like she has done a couple of rounds with Amir Khan, with her hands tied behind her back".
Richard and Judy's nanny Mary Poppins said "I have to hide the baby as he keeps throwing it, out the window and saying that's the way to do it. Like that Michael Jackson fellow".
Doctor Death, Dr Shipman added, "The condition is likely to have been sparked off by Judy's name, being uncanningly like Mr Punch's wife who was also called Judy. The best treatment I can think of, is a lethal dose of insulin or I may possibly hold a comfy pillow over his face"