Written by Monkey Woods
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Saturday, 11 October 2008

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BRITAIN'S oldest virgin who celebrated her 105th birthday this weekend says that, despite the secret to her long life being No Sex, she had decided to invite a man around on her big day.


Clara Meadmore, who looks 'not a day over 102', said that she had known she would remain single from the age of twelve, and had never kissed or even touched a man's purple helmet.

She has never had sex because she was "too busy" for intimate relationships which seemed like "a lot of hassle".


The retired secretary said sex equalled marriage in the 1920s and 1930s and she did not buy into the idea, although she now "slightly regretted" not trying out being Spit Roasted.


"I have had lots of platonic relationships with men, but, in all my 105 years, I can safely say that I've never had a man's 'meat and two veg' in the palm of my hand."

All that was about to change though as Clara answered the door to 101-year-old Ernest Stabber, her next-door neighbour. Ernest had been waiting patiently for his chance to 'get into Clara's knickers' for more than 80 years, and wasted no more time in 'getting in amongst her' once the reporters had left the room.


We were out of the house for nearly half an hour, and when we were allowed back inside, the couple were licking their lips and beaming from ear to ear.

Said Clara:

"That were a luvly cuppa tea!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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