Buckingham Palace - (Wall St Crash-for-Honors Mess): The Queen has had a funny turn after hearing slippery New Labour bumbandit Peter Mandelson has somehow got himself a life peerage without the usual £250,000 bung to the Puppet Throne.
Mandelson, 69, is to enter the House of Lords on Monday and undergo its ancient baronial initiation ceremony ahead of being proclaimed Lord Mandelson of Lockerbie.
The rite entails prostrating oneself on the Lords' Hellfire Club Memorial Altar and being frisked for any spare cash by the Speaker of the House, Real IRA cash-cow Baroness Ashton.
"A wad of £50s, stuffed into one's Y-Fronts, is de rigeur," a source close to Black Rod said today.
Mandy is said to be thrilled to bits after bypassing every known Honors List to get his Upper House gong.
Meanwhile Buckingham Palace quacks have upped Old Fatty Mountbatten's largactil medication after a series of nocturnal visions scared her shitless:
"Ma'am has been dreaming of her Annus Horibilis again," Lord Chamberlain Lord Luce-Cannon said today, "and I blame all those horrid swipes on The Spoof!"
Camilla has accidentally swallowed a whole month's supply of rectal suppositories.