Arundel, W Sussex - (Ass Mess): The world's third most pointless stand-up peroxide act dramatically interrupted her London trip today.
Paris Hilton was caught scaling the fortified moat around Arundel Castle, ancient seat of Albion's gatekeepers, shortly after midnight.
Wearing absolutely nothing apart from a $15,000 crimson cashmere Armani hotpants and bra-top outfit accessorised with $4,000 thigh-high snakeskin riding boots and leather crop combo, a $250,000 Tiffany diamond-encrusted choker and matching 'One Hot Bitch!-engraved S&M platinum handcuffs Hilton, 27, at first eluded detection by Castle security.
Posing as one of the Duke of Norfolk's regular hookers the blonde bombshell managed to pick the doorlock to the 14thC Fitzalan Chapel.
Legend has it that a military strongroom below the Chapel altar is where British spooks have secreted cold war files about every US president since JFK.
Unfortunately for the hotass bimbo she accidentally tripped a crucial alarm just as the vault was about to open and was immediately apprehended by two dozen burly guards from the Ducal Blackwatch Beetle Regiment.
This morning the twenty four utterly shagged out-looking security staff were at a loss to explain how they had let Hilton off scot-free.
Sarah Palin is 69.