Hjaltland/ The Shetland Times - A Viking descendant of former Norwegian King Christian 1 surfaced today with an aging Pawn Ticket to reclaim the Shetland Isles.
Pawned off in 1468 to raise money for his ugly daughter's Dowery, the cash poor King received 50,000 Rhenish guilders for Orknay and 8,000 guilders for Shetland with a "buy back" clause.
Lost for hundreds of years, the Pawn Ticket was found in the bottom of a packing crate used for pickled herring, wrapped in a Shetland Sheep Foreskin, and in remarkable condition.
The Redemption Clause spelled out the reclamation price of 210 kg of gold, or 2310 kg of Silver, not adjusted for inflation, a wily ploy by the tricky King Christian who also founded Lehman Brothers, formerly known as Swen Lehman and Sohns, when it was incorporated in 1430 AD to lend money to other Viking Corporate Raiders and members of the King's Court of Economic Advisors.
The lucky finder of the Pawn Ticket, Bjorn Andersen, is a distant descendant of King Christian. Mr. Andersen currently works as a Herring Pickler in a Bergen, Norway processing factory . Neighbors say the unassuming Andersen was seldom seen at home as he worked the night shift, mostly to avoid his wife, Hagar, who it is said is even more ugly than the King's daughter that cost him an arm and a leg to get rid of, and caused a financial meltdown in the Norwegian economy.
Mr. Andersen's Attorney said his client found the valuable document while rummaging through the wet basement of his mountain side stone cabin, seeking the source of a "terrible odour" ultimately traced to a clogged toilet drain that was connected to "nothing" in the basement.
After pumping out the basement "looking for shit", Andersen found a collection of old herring crates dating back to the 1400's. In addition to the Pawn Ticket he found aging battle shields, cod pieces, and The Magna Carta.
Checking with Currency Exchange Officials , Andersen found he could cash in his IRA for Euros and meet all the redemption qualifications spelled out on the Pawn Ticket. Luckily for him he got out of the Market before the recent financial crash.
Friends say he can't wait to get back to the Isles and grab a few sheep or two.
"He's been starved for affection for years," his divorce lawyer stated, "now it's his time to rediscover his sexuality and live the good life." Observers say the oil and gas residuals won't hurt much either.