Written by Bob Muppet
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Thursday, 6 December 2001

image for Prince William wants all students bar-coded

The Students Union expressed its horror at proposals by his Royal Highness, Prince William , that all students should be tattooed with barcodes.

But why had the unfeasibly good looking and hitherto reasonably sane Prince arrived at this drastic measure?

In an exclusive interview, P.W. went on to reveal the pitiful night out that had led him to this drastic measure!

"Daddy thinks it's easy to be a modern Prince, but it isn't", the fresh-faced sex god blubbed!

"Nobody told me how much beer one is expected to consume!"

"This proved to be my downfall and what led me to the conclusion that student life would be simpler if everyone was bar-coded!"

"It all started on my first day at Uni. Big Betty Boddington had arranged for a gang of us to hit the town."

"I was drinking pints of beer like they were water!"

"But as the night wore on, I noticed that my companions were getting riotously jolly, whilst I was staying exactly the same!"

"After seventeen boring pints, I decided to call it a day and hit the jolly old sack, but the problem was ,----- I was absolutely sober!"

"The next morning, I rang daddy to discuss my alcohol problem. It took only seconds for clever old daddy to solve the problem! ----I had been drinking non-alcoholic beer!"

"Nobody had told me that one had to drink alcoholic beer to have a good time!"

"This is where the bar-code would prevent other students making the same mistake!."

"This is how my bar-coding system works", his highness enthused."

"One pops off round to the jolly tattoo parlour and picks a barcode that corresponds with one's favourite alcoholic drink."

"Most students prefer the tattoo in the middle of their forehead, although the choice is entirely up to the individual"

"Then after a few small pricks , one is set for anything the drinks world can throw at them".

"When you approaches a public bar, you simply put your forehead on the laser scanner and hey presto, you are quaffing your favourite nectar faster than one can say 'bagsy me to be the next king'!"

"But there are all sorts of other benefits of the bar codes, which the friendly Home Secretary told one about"

"Barcodes would allow one to get 'cash-back' at Sainsburys , without carrying a card."

"Or if one were stopped by the police, a quick scan would prove who one was."

"Also, if one passed out on the street after too much alcohol, (like that nice Tony Blair's son) the friendly police could tell where one lived and swiftly take one back to one's mummy or daddy!"

"Oh yes, barcodes are the way forward", his highness stated.

But don't you think that bar-coding students would be an infringement of their human rights?

"Not at all! replies Wills---trust me I'm a Prince!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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