Written by Rusty
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Friday, 3 October 2008

image for School Axes Spelling Tests due Student Distress
Verbally-impaired Smegmadale dropouts plan dictionary heist

Children at the Smegmadale-on-Sea Church of Latter Day Morons Primary School will no longer be presented with a short list of words to learn each week as teachers believe it leaves them distressed and feeling like failures.

Teenagers attending Smegmadale Asbo Central Comprehensive reacted to the news with enthusiasm and built a huge bonfire on the sports field with copies of the school's Oxford dictionaries, then impaled Headmistress Gladys Fawkes on the top.

However angry parents' groups from the bordering Smegmadale Sink or Swim Estate later confronted a charred and smouldering Ms. Fawkes, stating they were actually at a loss for something to say over the decision.

Acting deputy-head of Asbo Central, Glenda Scabtwat told parents and reporters that imposing spelling assignments on children as homework was generating unnecessary distress and causing an increase in their individual drug addiction and drinking problems.

"These children need to relax after a taxing day at school, not be concentrating on the nuances or accuracies of the English lexicon while they're playing games on Xbox or posting rude photos of each other on Facebook."

"Personally I'd like to see them out in the parks after school hours, enjoying themselves, groping their girlfriends, or each other if they're that way inclined. Getting some sunshine and fresh air, sharing a bottle of White Lightning and passing a bifta round. Having a quick shag in the bushes, safe-sex sort of course."

"That's the type of social interaction I'm keen on creating for Smegmadale's children."

A freshly-extinguished, albeit dripping, Ms. Fawkes,wrapped in a stylish Aztec print asbestos blanket, added to Ms. Scabtwat's statement.

"We still teach spelling in school classes as normal, as is demanded by the literacy curriculum.
But let's be honest, are any of our Smegmadale charges ever going to pursue an academic career and put their word power to work? Of course not.

"They don't need an extensive written vocabulary to claim jobseeker's allowance and their DSS or hold up the local Stop n Rob or deal a few grams of smoke or snort."

A shocked and disappointed Norman Babel, chairman of Smegmadale's Campaign for Real Education and current holder of the number one spot on the local sex offenders register, had this to say to the press regarding the cancelling of the spelling homework assignments, "Personally, I'm shocked and disappointed, and stuck for bleedin' words."

Answering a quoted report from the Qualifications and Curriculum Authority, which showed that most school leavers were unable to spell such basic everyday words as 'fuck' or 'off', Ms. Fawkes responded "How many burglars or car thieves do you know with degrees in English Literature?"

Smegmadale Council's head of improvement, Ms. Ingrid Clunt, a former Ukranian scaffolder, informed the media "It's up to the indy-vid-yual skools to de-side like if dey wanna yuse spellin' tests or not, init, eh, like yer know. Gorra a fag I can borra?"

In a related incident, the teenage Smegmadale Slang Gang broke into Threshers off-licence last night and held an impromptu drunken party to celebrate the spelling tests abolition, later setting fire to the town's new Cash Converters Shopping Mall, causing an estimated £17-worth of damage.

Allergy warning : this article was typed on recycled dictionary pages and may contain traces of dyslexia.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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