London - (Saggy Ass Mess): The fetid love-child of Princess Margaret and Ronald Reagan has been invited to take up his rightful seat in the House of Lords as a cross-bencher on the Real IRA side of the upper house.
Peter Mandelson, 69, is a former inmate of the UK's top security criminal nutters' jail HMP Broadmoor, where a Damascene moment in the prison's LSD Wing endowed him with the inspiration behind the New Labour formula blueprint.
A recent period of sanitisation as EU Commissioner for Covering Up Disgusting Stuff is being viewed as a successful rehabilitation stint ahead of taking up ermine.
Mandelson will take over the government's valuable cocaine derivatives business portfolio, spearheading relations with the Non-Aligned Crack Barons Association.
The role is seen as vital to re-energising a near-ruined City of London which is teetering on the brink of bankruptcy following record global cocaine seizures in 2008.
These have depleted bankers of their annual trading bonuses, causing the current credit crunch crisis.
Cherie Blair is foaming at the mouth.